The worst four hours of my life

There are times when being a mother will bring you to your knees.

Do you ever feel too vulnerable to be the strong support your baby needs you to be? Or feel like you aren’t qualified to make the decisions that you’re being asked to make on behalf of your child?

To say its hard just doesn’t begin to cover it sometimes. I understand mama. And Im right here with you.

-ectomy

I lift the sodden cloth

and trickle bath water into your belly button.

You smile at me

“Rah rah” you say.

You notice my Venus razor on the edge of the bath,

candy blue and bright like a toy that needs chewing.

I move it from your reach.

I don’t like you being around sharp things.

I read your bedtime story,

Jellybean Elephant is hiding in the leaves again.

I kiss your cheeks, your tummy.

You smile at me.

‘Rah rah’ you say.

I stop you rolling towards the bedside table

with its crisp wooden corner.

I don’t like you being around sharp things.

Early the next morning, we wake

before the sun.

People are talking to me gently,

saying lots of things

and suddenly it’s time to hand you over.

You smile at me

‘Rah rah’ you say.

It takes all

to ground into my feet

as they wheel your sweet,

unmarked body into that room.

I don’t like you being around sharp things.